Today was just one of those days. Sigh. I'm trying to not let the anger overcome me. Anger is not productive, it doesn't solve anything, and is just a gut reaction that disguises the real root of my upset. I've learned when I feel anger and rage to question what is at the root of these violent reactions. And when anger shows up in my gut and wounds its way up to my chest to the point when I just want to scream, I'm usually good at recognizing the signs, taking a deep breath or walking away until I cool down. Today, I had a really hard time to stay cool, while feeling pulled in many different directions.
My oldest started feeling sick yesterday, and from the sound of his voice and the look on his face, I knew that it wasn't going to be a "little" sickness. He came to our room at 4:30 a.m. feeling sore and achy, and after a round of motrin, lied down with me and tossed and turned uncomfortable until 6 a.m. when he went back to sleep. I crept out of bed, unable to go back to sleep, and got the day started. The other two munchkins and Tyler got up close to 7 a.m. and though they were super quiet, Austin was back up shortly after that. He was feeling gross and cranky, and the fatigue didn't help. I knew that the morning I had planned of workout/work was now gone as I had to stay by his side. By the time Logan got home at 11 a.m., Austin was feeling worse and even though I had been by his side all morning, I felt like I had to throw Logan in front of the computer to get him out of the way, so I could continue my watch over mister sick-and-demanding. Can you tell the resentment and anger was building? Argh.
I won't go into every detail of my day, but as I felt the anger rising slowly and surely, I understood the roots of my discontent and was left feeling frustrated. It's not that I resented taking care of my sick child, or that I was angry at him for being sick in the first place. No, I took care of him because I wanted to be by his side and give him some comfort as best I could. I could easily have stuck him in front of the TV and eclipsed myself to do my work, but I chose to forgo the work and sit next to him instead.
The anger came from the sense of feeling split in all directions and feeling my head spin as all my to-dos and guilts waltzed in my head. I was angry that I couldn't be at peace with taking care of him and it being enough. I was angry that I hadn't been able to do my work, yet when I sat in front of the computer with 10 minutes to myself, I couldn't focus and achieve anything either. I was mad that Logan had more than his share of computer/movies today so I could be with his brother. I was annoyed when I reluctantly gave in and made banana bread with Logan after he pleaded to please, please, please make it together, to have him announce once all the ingredients were on the table, that he didn't feel like it anymore (too bad buddy, you're gonna anyways). I was angry when I thought that for once I wished I could be a full-time working parent so I could escape my madhouse and be alone. And I was angry with myself when I snapped at Jaime cause she just happened to be there when I lost my patience. The biggest straw was pulled when after all this, the thought came to my head that today was a day during which I accomplished nothing. Are you kidding me?! The moment the thought came on, my anger came to a peak, and then I let it go. Because this may not have been the day where I achieved all that I had planned to do, but the day I made the right choices and accomplished the most important of jobs: I was there for my kid, the rest be damned.
As the anger died down, and the frustrations lost their grounding, I gained perspective and my rational mind took over the raw emotions. I know the bad days happen, and when they do, they absolutely suck. But I also know that when the day comes to an end, today will be a day in the past and tomorrow will come and will bring with it a clean slate of opportunities. Austin is still going to be sick tomorrow and I hope I can approach the day with less expectations. It will be as it will be. And if all I can do is sit next to him and read, I'll be happy to do it.
I do feel that I need to do something very special for my "Me" tonight, to refuel and give myself some "Me" love too. So tonight I will not stay on my computer and attempt to "catch up" on work that needs to be done. Instead, I will go and curl on the couch with a book that will transport me to another world and make me dream. I might also indulge in a cup of tea and bite of chocolate. After a hard day, it's the little things in life that give you the biggest boost.
I want to finish on a funny note tonight, and post a video that came to my mind a few times today and gave me the opportunity to chuckle when I was feeling ready to burst. I hope to God that Austin doesn't turn into this melodramatic guy with a man-cold, but humour does make one feel better. Enjoy!