Reality Check

I let it happen again. I have coveted that which I cannot have, and what's worse, I have felt ashamed of what I am because of some stupid ideal of what I think I should be. My stupid ideals. I'm sure you've had those thoughts at times too, and if you don't, then I'm proud of you. But when I have these thoughts, this is what they sound like:

- I am less than you because you are more beautiful;
- I am less worthy because you are more fit and slim;
- I am less than you because I don't have a big house like you;
- I am less than you because I can't afford the clothes on your back;
- I am less than you because I can't cook or sew or garden or knit as you so perfectly do;
- I am ashamed because I don't have your confidence, positive spirit, or happy disposition;
- I like me less because I love what you represent, the things I cannot have and never will have because they are not me.

And because those thoughts make me feel low and inadequate, I blame you who has what I covet. It's easier to blame you than to face the fact that I am the one to blame. Here's why: Everytime I long for something in me that I cannot have, I am denying who I really am, and by saying "I wish I were/I had/I could" I am slapping myself in the face and failing to embrace the gifts that I have been given. Eleanor Roosevelt said it best when she said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." And on a day like today when I look at other women and feel inferior because I don't have what they possess, I remember Roosevelt's words of wisdom and realize that the feeling of shame and inadequacy is mine and mine alone. No one has made me feel this way, but me.

The fabulous, wise and inspiring Eleanor Roosevelt

So today, I resolve once again, to stop coveting and focus on acceptance and gratefulness. Because I may not have the big house, but I have a big heart. I may not have fancy clothes, but I have the deepest love. I may not tend to gardens, but I care for people. I may not be slim but my body is beautiful and strong, and I have a half-marathon medal to prove. And did I mention my boobs? Well, let's just say that they're real, and they're spectacular!

Valentine's day is coming soon, so how about we all write our "Me" a nice and honest love letter. I think we deserve to tell ourselves all the great things that make "Me" so fabulous, and we should not have to wait for somebody else to let us know why we rock. I'm not saying that you shouldn't look forward to your hubby and kids singing your praises, but I think it would be an even bigger gift to your "Me" if you celebrated all that you are. Nothing more, nothing less. So go on, grab a pen and paper and let it flow. This is from you to you. No one else will be privy to it. So don't be afraid. Just write from the heart. And love yourself, no matter what.

When Being "Me" Inspires Others

"I've learned that loving yourself requires a courage unlike any other. It requires us to believe in and stay loyal to something no one else can see that keeps us in the world - our own self-worth" (Book of Awakenings by Mark Nepo. January 25th)

On Tuesday, while folding laundry, I put on the Oprah show. It was a retrospective show on the evolution of the discourse on being gay and coming out over the 20 years of the Oprah show. It spanned the changes in the public discourse from when "being gay" was taboo and shunned, to the present time when the public discourse is more focused on acceptance and an open dialogue. What allowed the evolution of the discourse was the courage of many individuals, including high-profile celebrities, to speak out and come out about being gay. One such individual featured on the Oprah show was Greg Louganis, who in 1995, chose to live an authentic life by coming out publicly and announcing that he was also HIV positive. At the time of his interview with Oprah in 1995, he said that his reasons for coming out were that he was tired of living life as a fake, constantly having to edit himself, and living with the fear that "How could anybody accept me if they really knew me." But after many years of living as a "fake" and hiding of his true self, Louganis realized that he wanted to live his life "openly and with honesty".

When Louganis came out as an openly gay male, he mostly did so for himself, in order to live authentically no matter what the reaction from others would be. By choosing courage over fear, he declared that he was worthy just as he was. What he didn't know was that his courage would inspire others to live an authentic life. On Tuesday's show, Oprah talked about a young man, Michael, who was 12 years old when Greg Louganis appeared on the 1995 show. When Michael heard Louganis speak about the reasons for his coming out and the need to live life authentically, he realized that being gay still meant that you were worthy of love and was no longer something to be feared. "I'd never seen another gay person. I thought I was the only one." Validation, inspiration, love and self-worth, were gifts that Louganis gave this young boy that day that allowed him to live a life without questioning his self-worth in the world and without fear of the day when he came out. He talked about how his mother asked him "Do you think you're gay?" and his response was "No, Mom. I don't think I'm gay. I know I'm gay." That is the response of a confident, self-assured young man.

Watching this show and the story of Louganis and Michael was a joy for me. It really showed how beneficial it is for your "self" to embrace who you are and to live your life with authenticity. It takes great courage to embrace our differences, our weaknesses, our vulnerability and expose them to others, but it is necessary to do so if we hope to live a life of authenticity, rather than a fake life in which we desperately try to morph into the socially-accepted norm in order to fit in.

By the way, as Dr Brené Brown explains in the video from my previous post, the word Courage from it's linguistic roots means "telling the story of who you are with your whole heart." Dr Brown also realized that the happiest people are those who "were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were (....) who fully embraced their vulnerability because they realized that "what made them vulnerable is also what made them beautiful."

So don't be afraid to spread your wings, embrace who you are, and shout it to the world. You happiness will be increase and you might become a role model who inspires others to do the same.

What are you going to do for your "Me" today?

Why the feeling of worthiness matters or "I am enough!"

I was all set to write about a reaction I got while watching an episode of the Oprah show today, when my friend Emma told me about this video. Beyond the fact that I truly enjoyed this wonderful speaker, it's the message that struck a cord with me.

It felt as though everything I had been trying to share through this blog was driven to the point in this particular talk. What was best articulated to me, was the truth that our own sense of worth has an impact not only on our own internal feelings of happiness and joy, but also on the world in which we live and the people we have connections with ("If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy").

It is so important to recognize that by loving ourselves as we are, by accepting our strengths and vulnerabilities, we are able to make ourselves stronger and more confident, and the power we get from that self-acceptance and self-love has a ripple effect on our ability to love and care for others and for the world we live in. As Dr Brown states: "We can't practice compassion with others if we can't treat ourselves kindly."

We, as individuals who treat our "Me" with the most gentle kindness and understanding, can have the power to transform our reality. Simply by accepting that you are beautiful just as you are, including your so-called flaws, and by acknowledging that you are worthy of love, affection, admiration, and kindness, you give yourself permission to tap into a power that is liberating and transforming. It takes courage to shup up the internal demons that tell you otherwise, but remember that the self-destructing thoughts are just that: thoughts and you can choose to listen to them, or to ignore them.

I invite you to take a deep look at your "Me", and to feel the love, because you are amazing, you are worthy, and you are enough just as you are.


Today I took care of "Me" by listening to some fun music and dancing and singing along. It always makes me happy when I dance and sing.

How about you? What have you done for your "Me" today?

Just be "Me"!

When was the last time you were really being your authentic self? If you're taking more than a few seconds to remember, then you might be in need of reclaiming your true "Me". Most days, we are all putting on an act to "be" someone that we might not necessarily be in order to fit in, or to pretend to "be" a certain way so as to not offend others. From putting a smile on our face when we really feel low, or saying "yes" when we really feel like "no". The problem is that every time we define ourselves to meet other's expectations, we lose our identity. So who is your real "Me"?

I've been struggling to define who my real "Me" is for the last year ever since I realized that I have spent many years trying to morph into a person that I wasn't. I was trying so hard to be like other people because I really wanted to "be" the person that I admire in them. One of my friend is an avid gardener and I admire the beauty of her gardens. I tried to garden and like it too, but I realize that I'm not and never will be a gardener. It's just not "Me". Diddo with many other things. Through the self-discovery process I started this year, I have realized how much of me is also defined by what I think other people would like me to be. Trying to love the same things as some of my friends so that they will love me and think I am worthy has been my guiding principle for a long time. But I have now realized that it's ok for me not to be like anyone else, and more important that no matter who "Me" is, I am worthy, I am special, and I am lovable for who I am. Making the decision to just be "Me" is liberating and empowering. So the question now is "What makes me "Me"?

At this point, I'm still trying to figure "Me" out, but a good starting point was to say, what do I truly like? What makes "Me" happy? What brings "Me" joy? Here's a short list of my "Me". It's an ever evolving list that I'm excited to compile as I start falling in love with "Me" again.

1. I am a reader
2. I am a food lover
3. I am a runner
4. I am a great friend
5. I am not a gardener (and that's ok)
6. I am not a homemaker (and that's ok too)
7. I love to sing and dance in my house, in my car
8. I am a dreamer
9. I am a mother
10. I am a wife

There are many more things that make "Me" a great person. What about you? Have you ever thought of writing down what makes you "You"? Try it, it's enlightening. In determining what makes you "You", it's important to listen to your gut feelings. If your head tells you that you really love gardening, but every time you see a spade, you feel deep down that you'd rather be running a half-marathon than playing in dirt, then listen to your gut reaction. It's ok to be different, and actually it's pretty awesome because by being different, we are all bringing into the world a very special piece that nobody else has.

Once you have started reconnecting with who you really are, then "BE" that person all the time. Honour the fact that what you are is different from others, and that it's ok. When you are truly acting like yourself, and really loving who you are, then it won't matter what others think or whether they will love you. If you love your "Me" then you won't need the validation of others to make you feel worthy and lovable. In a 1986 song by Whitney Houston titled "Greatest Love of All", the chorus declares that "Learning to love yourself/It is the greatest love of all." I couldn't agree more.

What I have done for "Me" so far today? I've lived in the moment, enjoyed a peaceful house, exercised and spent some time thinking about "Me". How about you? What have you done for your "Me" today?